I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
