Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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