Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
