I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
