This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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