i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
