dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
