Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Even the bartender felt bad for me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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