DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
