i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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