OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
