those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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