Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
