Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Your cock deserves a montage
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
