She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
