just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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