i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
