Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
