i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
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