Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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