when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
