i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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