I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My penis needs a shock collar
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
