i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
