I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
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did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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