Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
