No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I can't turn off my feet"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
