My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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