he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
