Your face is a jimmy john
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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