I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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