morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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