made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
