Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
