i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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