Life is so much better after having sex.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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