i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
