my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
