after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
