what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
