I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
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she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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