she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
