he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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