I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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