You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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