with your own penis?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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