It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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