i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
