i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
