Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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