John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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