Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
