WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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