The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
