dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
