Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
