About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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