evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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