just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
