it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
